The Someday Conjecture

We ran and did exercises in the allotted 45 minutes.

Baby Junk

I like that my reputation has been whittled down to profanity-laced 100 octane Q’s and high-quality Blasts.

I read Paula’s tweet yesterday and was reminded of Eddie Murphy’s Raw.

Murphy regales the audience of a telephone call he once had with Bill Cosby. This was long before anyone knew Cosby was a wolf clothed in a Cliff Huxtable sweater. We’re told Cosby chastised Murphy for his use of profane language in his stand-up and Murphy defends by telling Cosby to fuck off, tells him it’s not like he just shows up, cusses everybody out, and walks off stage. He does manage to squeeze in some jokes between the curses.

That’s an easy prediction, Paula. I like it.

Shit, snatch, snot.

Let’s begin…

The Someday Conjecture

Less than a month removed from BRR and I can’t help but wonder what could have been…

… had we run it without Subway.

We get faster. I know that. Heck, everyone knows that. But how much faster?

To solve, let’s slow down to go faster.

Everything we do in F3Metro (I assume other Regions as well, but I don’t know what goes on in other Regions) is head to head. There are no set conditions. We don’t handicap. Doesn’t matter if a 50 year old is racing a 25 year old… We. Do. Not. Care.

In races, you have divisions; Age Group, Master, Elite, Male, Female.

We all race against each other, sure, but most men pushing 60 can’t hold their old dick to an equally fit 30 year old. You don’t do it. You can’t do it. Unless you’re Checkpoint. He’s the exception.

And with the exception of Subway, I’m on a really strong BRR team. I want to do well for my teammates, and in turn, I know they want to do well for me. We’re a well-balanced team. You put your strongest/fastest man in the 3 hole and hope they hold it together. That’s Belly. Belly did that!

You would never put Subway in the 3 hole. Too many associated risks and a walk-off DNF would prove fatal to the team. You put him on the Glory Leg and you’re nervous he takes his thumb from his mouth and sticks it in the air to hitch off the Blue Ridge Parkway in search of an ice cream salad.

Salad, that’s funny. It’s a bowl of fuckin’ ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. Oh, my dear, Subway.

I like Subway. I do. A lot. That’s hard to take on the face considering I give him crap, but I do. I’ll put it in context;

Let’s say Subway was trapped on the top floor of a burning 3 story building. He exits a blown out window and crawls out on the ledge, terrified. I’m outside, at ground level, looking for a soft spot for him to land… in the parking lot.

I yell up, “Go ahead and jump! You’ll only break your legs!”

Serious question.

How much does Subway hurt your team just by being on the team?

This is the Someday Conjecture.

As stated, I run hard for Steroid, Steroid runs hard for #MySlice, Slice for Belly, Belly for Check, Check for Subway…

But how can that be? Subway affects everyone’s ability to perform at a high level. If you want to run slow, run to some predetermined goal time, run with Subway.

To my knowledge, the S6X Pistols are the fastest Metro 6 man to date, with an average split of 7:32.

Leather Presidents has the next lowest, an average of 7:38.

Not 100% on any of this so correct me if I’m wrong.

Return of the Fish is #LivingThird with an average time of 7:41. Not too bad.

Would you like to take a guess at what Return of the Fish and Leather Presidents has in common?

Yup. Subway.

This is the Someday Conjecture.

How much does Subway hurt your team just by being on the fuckin’ team?!

See the formula. The math plays. But since we can’t actually go back and change our times, Return of the Fish will live on, in third (for now), with an asterisk by the Team Name and this note,

Return of the Fish *

“Subway ran the 5th leg of this event. As you well know, he’s unusually slow and pathetic. Please understand that his teammates did everything in their limited power to inspire him to run faster but he was, as you’d expect, unusually slow and pathetic.”

The function below is an expression of how many seconds per mile on average having Subway on your team slows you down:

Let xt = course time for runner t in minutes

Let t = the number of runners,

Where 1 to n-1 = runners other than Subway and n = Subway

Let dn = the distance run by Subway




The faster the team, the greater the Subway Factor. The fewer runners on the team (think Ultra), the greater the Subway Factor. The more miles run by Subway, the greater the Subway Factor, clearly.

You could probably hide him on a 12 man or Team Dropped.


I kid. Subway’s a sweetheart! A very thoughtful teammate. He bought the team Chick-Fil-A in Boone which I thought was great considering how far he had put us behind.

I kid. I love him. I was ecstatic when we landed him, he’s a/was a big time free agent. He came on board late and crushed it (according to him).

No, I actually did this to make him smile. He likes math and I can still #FTS out of some Algebra. Just a little something I came up with when I learned a couple of our F3 brothers failed to meet the qualifying standard for Boston 2020. Next time.

Get this:

Belly doesn’t like the pickle on his original Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwich. The pickle’s the best part! Hold the pickle is by far the dumbest thing you can say, ever. This changes the whole flavor profile.

Belly doesn’t know that?! What an idiot!

                                                                               To Be Continued…

4 thoughts on “The Someday Conjecture

  • October 2, 2019 at 1:29 pm

    I just went over the numbers quickly to be sure. This all checks out.

  • October 3, 2019 at 8:32 am

    I could not have summed up the biggest failure in F3 history any better. Any nobody is beating the SX6 PISTOLS time. Ever.

  • October 4, 2019 at 4:32 pm

    Whaaaat? I don’t know, Cindy. I know you don’t like him, but I think he takes you at any distance north of 3 miles. And the Javelin. He could beat you at the Javelin throw. And maybe the Discus. And probably the Triple Jump. But not the Shot Put. No, not that. You could own him in that. He sucks at that.

    If only there were some kind of running event in Charlotte where folks could compete head-to-head ….

    Hmmmm. Oh, I know. The Charlotte 1/2 and Marathon. That’s in November. Or Corporate Cup. Oh, gosh, there’s lots of opportunities to do stuff.


  • October 7, 2019 at 4:19 pm

    Mr. FishWrap –

    Please don’t hit Sindy with the truth. He will crumble like a sugar cookie.

    Yours truly,

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