Bulge Awakens Bastion

The BackBlast:

Intro: Charlotte’s host to the PGA again, and someone said Quail’s got no soul. 14 souls laced up on thursday morning while the streets were busy and had a Bastion like it used to be.

Welcome to Bastion—the only workout nowadays in America where you can discuss bond market volatility, compare cortisone injections, compare costs for your wine cellar, and learn which country club now serves gluten-free hollandaise sauce. Into this serene world of middle-aged governance galloped a rare and mysterious version of the new era: Bulge.

Not only did he post, but he Q’d. And as if that weren’t enough to trigger a neighborhood HOA alert, he brought along a group of merry men—sleek, sinewy, and largely unknown to the Bastion faithful and similar to a new edition of Horn and Belly itcher. Swap, Monk, and Madras saw the AO schedule and conveniently posted elsewhere.

Whispers spread:
“Who are those guys?”
“Are they F3?”
“Are they lost?”

Nobody knew. Then, the leader arose, Bulge mumbled ‘follow me’ and took off.

The Thang:
Act I – Garden of Tricep Torment
We began in the Memorial Garden, where derkins were performed reverently atop the church retaining wall. A peaceful setting desecrated by groaning and profanities. What spiritual powers are that in the retaining wall?

Act II – The Providence Death March
We then descended Providence Road to Wendover, stopping every quarter mile for:
Little Baby Crunches
Freddie Mercurys
Merkins (with form that progressively worsened)
Bulge ran this like a wellness bootcamp crossed with a hazing ritual.

Act III – The Rise of Blue Hill
We hit Blue Hill (a.k.a. Meadowbrook Road)—named for a former F3 leader who retired from banking, cashed in his chips, and now runs a full-time stretching franchise. That man may be flexible, but this hill is not.
Several PAX briefly considered abandoning fitness altogether.

Act IV – The Stonebridge Salute
Final stop: Stonebridge Lane, where the group paused at the literal stone bridge for a ceremonial derkin finale. Because why not finish with a tricep funeral?

Back up providence, capture the PAX, in by 6:15 for 4.2 ish miles.

PAX Lineup:
Bulge – Rare appearance, but delivered
Cindy – Brought his usual flair, disappeared, reappeared
Pusher – Quiet assassin
Sausage – fueled by nitrates and vengeance
Boondoggle – enjoyed the LBCs, not the running
Oddball – Lived up to the name, slimmed down for beach season
Film Festival – Critiqued our form like a Sundance judge, might have been the first time we heard him take the lords name in vain
KGB – He’s renting his lake mansion out to a PGA favorite
Swamp Fox- likely a Bastion Kotter
Newport – No comments
Chalet – Breezed through the route
Strangers- many not listed, we had 14 at one point

Moleskine:

Bastion once again delivered a mix, no one said anything for 45mins.
Bulge’s leadership was chaotic-good, and his squad? Still unverified as American citizens.

COT: Count-o-rama. Name-o-rama. And a leadership reminder from Bulge- his message in COT was obviously cut short by the urge to get to work, and keep the children well. Film Festival graduated his last child from one of the finest educational institutions.

SYITG