First Annual F3 Metro Olympics /Organizers: Sheep & Sausage (Metro’s Olympic Overlords) PAX (partial list of legends, lifters, and limpers): Khloe, Jack Nasty, Red Foxx, Kneebiter, Tassels, Sausage, Tardy, Beethoven, Sheep, Newport, Oswald, Leg Day, AquaFresh, Mountain Momma, MMOB, Scrubs, Carrier, Scrooge, Dredd The Thang:
Metro’s finest gathered for what can only be described as the most intense field day since fifth grade—but with more dumbbells, heavier breathing, and zero Capri Suns. Thanks to elite coordination from Sheep and Sausage, six punishing events were completed in just under 75 minutes. Here’s how the pain unfolded:
Event List: 1. 5K Run – Because nothing builds camaraderie like shared suffering over 3.1 miles. 2. Tire Flip – Each PAX flipped a massive 5-foot diameter tractor tire like they were auditioning for a Strongman competition in rural Belarus. 3. Farmer Carry – Grab two 50-lb dumbbells and carry them one full lap (400m) around the AG Middle School track. Also known as “Forearm Failure: Live.” • Side note: Aqua believes this to be the highest margin workout with high pain delivery and lowest injury risk. Might be. 4. Bench Press – The iron never lies. 135 lbs for max reps. 5. 400M Sprint – A classic lactic acid bath. 6. 100M Sprint – The final insult.
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Final Standings – Podium-Worthy Pain Dealers: 1. Khloe – Ruthless, efficient, and clearly powered by something illegal in most sports. 2. Jack Nasty – Grit and grind from start to finish. 3. Red Foxx & Kneebiter – Inseparable in effort and excellence. Followed by: Tassels, Sausage, Tardy & Beethoven (a near dead heat), Sheep, Newport, and Oswald.
See below for more, Other combatants did not complete all exercises but showed up while AG, Core, Latta, and Worm regulars couldn’t surrender to the routine
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Special Mentions – Unsung Heroes & Questionable Decisions: • Tardy – Did a full hour workout BEFORE the Olympics even started. Because apparently six events wasn’t enough. • Leg Day – Pulled up limping 50m into the 400m. Lived his nickname • AquaFresh – Skipped the 5K but won the Farmer Carry like a calloused-fingered machine. • Mountain Momma – No 5K, but a top-three finish in the Tire Flip and 2nd place in the Carry. • MMOB – Ran the 5K, then shifted into full judge mode for the rest of the events. Integrity > ego. • Newport – Brought 35-lb dumbbells in case anyone wanted a “core option” for the Farmer Carry. They gathered dust while everyone grabbed the big-boy bells. Cold cuts- had an injury from falling off his kids one wheel but still brought the equipment!
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Judges (The Eye of Sauron): Scrubs, Carrier, Scrooge, and Dredd – Impeccable timing, unbiased decisions, and zero tolerance for cheat reps.
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TClaps & Torch Passing: Huge props to Sheep and Sausage for pulling this circus together. Six events, over 20 men, multiple egos, and a tractor tire… and it all got done under time. You made the impossible look inevitable.