The CaddyShack Redemption
Cast:
• Andy Dufresne played by Gandolph • Red played by Foulball • Old Fuk Brooks played by Swiper • Mean Warden Guy played by Scrooge
This story will make you cry. Or laugh. But it’s a good one. And one that is familiar to all of us. It was a brisk Monday morning. One of those mornings when it’s hard to decide if you want to free ball or not. The usual cast of criminals had gathered in the prison yard (also known as Myers Park Country Club.) They were gathering around talking about their weekend of smoking joints, watching The Mendez Brothers, and trolling Comrade Kamala. They were just getting ready to get their workout started when up came the mean Warden Guy with some sort of reflective dick band around his calf. The criminals, having never seen this person before, fired off the following questions:
Andy Dufresne: “Excuse me sir, who the fuck are you?” Mean Warden: “I’m Scrooge, the leader of F3 Metro EastWest. Remember – I was nominated by the same amount of votes that Kamala was.” Red: “Cool bro – is that DickBand adjustable?” Brooks: “Why are we talking to this guy from Campos? Let’s go.”
Off the criminals went. Where to? Nobody will ever know for sure. (For sure not the same place/Queens they go every Monday.) But one thing was for certain…they had dropped the Mean Warden. Now what the criminals didn’t know was that the Mean Warden had a devious plan up his sleeve. By now, the Mean Warden had been dropped at every worthwhile Metro workout there is so this wasn’t new to him. So after getting dropped, he walked back to the prison yard (MEN ONLY lounge at MPCC – that’s a good joke if you are in the know) and waited for the criminals. Probably cranked out 5 Windmills as well.
First came in Brooks who failed to hang himself this go around. That’s because his wife Lindsey Vonn would miss her beef stick so he didn’t tie a good knot. Next came in Red who had traded some smokes with some Queens LAX player for an old Tribe Called Quest tape. Then finally, the leader of the criminals, Andy came jogging looking for someone to sue in the MENS lounge. This is when things got weird…poor old Mean Warden didn’t realize this wasn’t an actual F3 workout. This was just a bunch of weird short guys who had gotten a bad shake of the law and was just trying to….I don’t know…just workout. No Oprah/Dread journal footsies. They workout and leave. Crazy. Warden was PISSED!
Mean Warden: “Where do you thing you PAX are going? I need your name/age/F3 name.” Andy: “No” Red: “Rocky Balboner – 69” Brooks: “You are stupid”
Mean Warden: “What about the 5 core principals?” Andy: “Hey OwlBait Jr. You know all of that is made up right? Like Peter Pan kind of shit? Or Edward Scissorhands? This is ridiculous. I’m going to go crawl out of this prison yard behind this poster of some hot girl that just happens to have a gigantic hole that I dug out using a nail file before my tiny head explodes.” Red: “I once did a 5D at State at the Red Roof Inn. Is that the same?” Brooks: “Where is Dib?”
Before the Mean Warden knew what had happened, the three criminals had escaped! No COT! No Prayer! No 5 Core Principals! Please be on the lookout for them. They committed the most heinous crime. They ONLY worked out! 2 of them is shorter than Spud Webb so they will be hard to find. Brooks/Swiper broke his ankle at RingRun this morning so he should be easy to catch. Plus he mows Easy Rings grass on Thursdays.
Good luck Mean Warden!